Sleep
A Day in the Life of Brayden
This morning started just shy of 3 am. I woke to a little boy’s blood curtailing scream. Ava had offered to sleep with him. He often picks a sibling that is a “favorite” of the day and today was Ava’s day. As she brought him into my room I knew today was going to be a rough one. Usually two days a week our day starts at 2 am. Why? I am never really sure. My theory is that his mind is in overdrive. He has a lot of anxiety and a bad belly as a lot of kids with autism do. What makes it particularly hard is he can’t tell me what is wrong. I can offer him his tablet, but we just aren’t to the point of him saying he is in pain or that he is scared. I often can tell by his cry if he is sad, hurt, or frustrated. Today it was a scared cry that quickly turned to a sob. I tried to squish his feet, arms, and head. I tried to snuggle him tight and sing to him. You could tell he wanted to go back to sleep but just couldn't. I am guessing it is like when we are worried about something and we just can’t stop thinking about it and toss and turn all night. Melatonin doesn’t even help. When he wakes he is anything but quiet, especially when he is this dysregulated. We lovingly call it destruction mode. He hops, jumps, and says “EEEE” at the top of his lungs. Anything that he can find gets thrown or dumped. As I make my coffee I hear a crash. Chad is in the shower, it is 3:30 now. Brayden has taken everything out of every drawer in our bedroom and the dresser has been cleared in one big sweep. The sensy pot is broken on the floor. As I whisk him away to clean that up I hear Ava scream, “Brayden no”… crash, bang, bang. I walk into the living room. He is dumping and throwing whatever he can find. My coffee is everywhere the toy baskets dumped (why do I even have these upstairs), my laundry I had just folded in a pile is strewn everywhere. The roomba is at the bottom of the stairs in numerous pieces with dirt everywhere (pretty sure it is beyond repair). Brayden…. I see him. He is wrapped up in the living room curtain. The bracket is hanging from the wall. We now have a hole in our drywall. All this and it isn’t even 4 am.
When Brayden was first diagnosed with Autism my hope for him was recovery. Don’t get me wrong that is still my hope and I will never stop praying and working with him to get that. However as time has passed my goal is now for him to be happy. I want him to be able to regulate. I want him to be able to go to a ball game and have the sounds not bother him so much that he clings to me and cries. It breaks my heart to look into my daughter’s sad eyes this weekend and her volleyball tournament as she says, “mom, just go… I can get a ride home with someone else.” I want him to know the kindness of a friend. I want him to be able to communicate with me. I want him to know what a good night's sleep is.
As I clean up the coffee spill he comes over and gives me a huge pressure hug. I see him pull back with a giggle hoping to get some tickles. I can see the love in his eyes. He reaches out to press his chin into my forehead. He smiles and laughs this contagious laugh that just makes you happy on the inside. Today is going to be a good day.
This morning started just shy of 3 am. I woke to a little boy’s blood curtailing scream. Ava had offered to sleep with him. He often picks a sibling that is a “favorite” of the day and today was Ava’s day. As she brought him into my room I knew today was going to be a rough one. Usually two days a week our day starts at 2 am. Why? I am never really sure. My theory is that his mind is in overdrive. He has a lot of anxiety and a bad belly as a lot of kids with autism do. What makes it particularly hard is he can’t tell me what is wrong. I can offer him his tablet, but we just aren’t to the point of him saying he is in pain or that he is scared. I often can tell by his cry if he is sad, hurt, or frustrated. Today it was a scared cry that quickly turned to a sob. I tried to squish his feet, arms, and head. I tried to snuggle him tight and sing to him. You could tell he wanted to go back to sleep but just couldn't. I am guessing it is like when we are worried about something and we just can’t stop thinking about it and toss and turn all night. Melatonin doesn’t even help. When he wakes he is anything but quiet, especially when he is this dysregulated. We lovingly call it destruction mode. He hops, jumps, and says “EEEE” at the top of his lungs. Anything that he can find gets thrown or dumped. As I make my coffee I hear a crash. Chad is in the shower, it is 3:30 now. Brayden has taken everything out of every drawer in our bedroom and the dresser has been cleared in one big sweep. The sensy pot is broken on the floor. As I whisk him away to clean that up I hear Ava scream, “Brayden no”… crash, bang, bang. I walk into the living room. He is dumping and throwing whatever he can find. My coffee is everywhere the toy baskets dumped (why do I even have these upstairs), my laundry I had just folded in a pile is strewn everywhere. The roomba is at the bottom of the stairs in numerous pieces with dirt everywhere (pretty sure it is beyond repair). Brayden…. I see him. He is wrapped up in the living room curtain. The bracket is hanging from the wall. We now have a hole in our drywall. All this and it isn’t even 4 am.
When Brayden was first diagnosed with Autism my hope for him was recovery. Don’t get me wrong that is still my hope and I will never stop praying and working with him to get that. However as time has passed my goal is now for him to be happy. I want him to be able to regulate. I want him to be able to go to a ball game and have the sounds not bother him so much that he clings to me and cries. It breaks my heart to look into my daughter’s sad eyes this weekend and her volleyball tournament as she says, “mom, just go… I can get a ride home with someone else.” I want him to know the kindness of a friend. I want him to be able to communicate with me. I want him to know what a good night's sleep is.
As I clean up the coffee spill he comes over and gives me a huge pressure hug. I see him pull back with a giggle hoping to get some tickles. I can see the love in his eyes. He reaches out to press his chin into my forehead. He smiles and laughs this contagious laugh that just makes you happy on the inside. Today is going to be a good day.
Comments
Post a Comment