Fear

A Day in the Life of Brayden:  Fear

Can you imagine wanting to do something so badly but not having the courage to do so?  I think of wanting to jump off the high dive.  It looks like so much fun.  The diving board isn’t that high up in the air, right?  As I approach the ladder and start to climb.  I remember how afraid I am of heights.  Maybe when I get to the top it won’t be so far down.  I want to jump so badly.  The line behind me is growing as I slowly creep up the remaining rungs of the ladder.  The kids behind me begin to chant, “go, hurry up!!!!” I am frozen, I walk to the end of the diving board. I can’t do it.  Fear and panic starts to take over.  The girl behind me starts to push me.  “Come on,” she taunts, I can feel the tears start to well up.  “Baby!!!”  As I climb back down the ladder I can feel everyone staring at me.  I just want to hide.  I have to get away.  Why can’t I be like everyone else?  Why can’t I just jump off the high dive.  As I run off I hear the kids saying, “chicken, balk balk.”  I want to go home and never come back.  I wonder if this is how Brayden feels every day.  

This past weekend we went to the Cornell Rendezvous.  It is a family event.  One of the activities is a candy hunt in hay.  I thought perfect, this is right up Brayden’s alley.  He loves to sift and anyone who knows him knows he loves candy.  As we approach the hay stack you can hear the excited chatter of the kids. The bustling of people as they gather around.  Zachary and Ava run toward the hay pile to wait for their age group to be called.   As I reach down to get Brayden he slinks back into the stroller and yanks the shade down.  He pulls his hood up and his hands fly to his ears.  He starts to cry.   A man bends down to tell Brayden about the candy and asks if he wants to try.  Sheer horror is written on Brayden’s face.  He turns and wiggles out of the stroller, takes his dad’s hand and leads him back in the direction of the car.  This breaks my heart.  I never know what activities will be a hit or a flop.  I honestly thought he would enjoy this.  Obviously I was wrong.

What was it that prevented him from participating?  Was it the smell of smoke that was drifting through the air, the hum of excited chatter and fun?.  This is a place that he was unfamiliar with and didn’t know what would be expected out of him.  How can I make these transitions easier for him?   Does it matter if he doesn't play in the hay pile, absolutely not.  However there are many activities that he wants to do but just can’t bring himself to get over his fear and jump in.  Instead he runs, hides, and is disappointed in himself.  I often don’t understand. So I don’t know how to help.  I know he can feel the stares, hear the comments, and be equally overwhelmed by well meaning strangers.  

We return home.  He runs out to the yard swing.  This is a peaceful place that he finds comfort.  Once he reaches his swing I hear the neighbor’s table saw.  Brayden’s run becomes zig zagged, awkward, and you can see the fear in his eyes.  He stumbles into the house and runs and jumps into the pack and play.  He has his chewy, earphones, and a blanket over his head.  He starts his iPad with a familiar puzzle game that ends in a song.  I can hear him whimpering.

Brayden’s sensory needs have skyrocketed over the past few months.  Hopefully this is temporary.  Some research suggests that as one sense is developing another is heightened.  If not we will find a way to make him feel comfortable in his own skin.  We all have our fears.  As I look at Brayden right now he is standing on a Rubbermaid looking out the window at the swing.  He so badly wants to go out.  I try to carry him out telling him the noise is gone.  He just can’t overcome the fear.  He runs to the car and opens the door.  He gestures for me to buckle him he want to go.  He wants to get out of here.  We all have our diving boards or hay piles.  The fears that maybe be irrational to some but are so real to us.  Sometimes you just have to take that leap of faith and overcome your fears and sometimes you just need to step back, realize what truly matters, and be patient get in the car and go.