Regrets

A Day in the Life of Brayden-  Regrets

Have you ever met someone who wasn’t busy?  Everyone you know is busy.  Busy doing what?  If you stop and think about it, what in life matters?

This past weeks our lives were really put back into focus.  Chad’s dad has been battling cancer for the past 2 years.  He put up a valiant fight.  As we sit in the room with him.  He only has a few phrases he can say.  The tumor is pressing on the speech portion of his brain and he has a difficult time forming words.  He looks so intently into my eyes.  It is the same look that Brayden does.  I can tell the words are so clear in his head but they just won’t come out.  He squeezes my hand.  He is too exhausted to be frustrated or angry.

    We haven’t visited Green Bay nearly as often as we should have.  Why?  We have a million excuses. We work all week, we have so much to do at home, the kids have a tournament, or the drive is too long.  The list goes on...  There is no place to stay when we get there. Hotels are expensive and a lot of work to pack and unpack.  Brayden is a terrible sleeper at home imagine how he is when we leave.  It is difficult for Brayden to be at unfamiliar places.  He is agitated, busy, loud, and often destructive.  No one wants us as house guests, they are all busy with their lives too.  As I look at this list of excuses it is embarrassing.  

    Chad got a phone call at work on Friday.  He left ahead of us to see his Dad in Green Bay.  He texted me and said, “don’t come,  Dad has a roommate, the room is so small, there is no place for Brayden.”  I respected his wishes and we went to the volleyball tournament.  While we were at the tournament Chad texted and said Dad said, “please come, bring the kids, all of them.”  I knew what he meant, bring Brayden too.  As I made the 3 hour drive I was flooded with emotions.  Despite wanting to see Bob I was scared.  It is hard to see a loved one suffer.  It is hard to see them waste away.  I knew we had to go, the kids needed to see their grandpa.  Part of me wanted to run, run as fast as I could and never look back.  I worried about Brayden.  I wondered how he would react to this new environment.   As we walked into Bob’s room.  Brayden was surprisingly calm.  Chad’s dad was sitting up, dressed, in the wheelchair.  Chad said he had done this for the kids.  He didn’t really look like himself until he smiled.  Those blue eyes danced as he looked at the kids.  He was so welcoming and accepting.  He welcomed Brayden’s jumping, twirling, and humming.  He smiled as Brayden poked his finger into his lemon meringue pie.  The pie was one of the few bites that I saw him take all day.  

    Bob struggled all day to stay awake.  He refused all meds as he wanted to be as awake as he could to see “his kids.”  You could see the toll it was taking on him.  The pain in his face as he attempted to move, the position he sat in to gasp for a breath.  As we hugged him goodbye that night he whisper in my ear.  I don’t want to die.  As the tears flowed down my face and my heart was broken I said, “I don’t want you to die either,” I whispered.  We all took a moment and prayed for him.  We prayed for comfort, strength, and peace.  I also prayed that the guilt would be lifted from Chad and his siblings.  We all have guilt about the would of could of should ofs.  Every family has things that divide them and cause them to fall away from one another.  When you look back and think it is all trivial and ridiculous. 

    The nurses, staff, family, and other residents were so accepting of our little family.  Chad said, “do you ever think that they have met a family like ours?”  We are loud, chaotic, and messy.  Instead of yelling at us, as I mopped up fourth time what Brayden spilled, they offered us more towels, brought in a snack tray for the kids and a warm smile reflected love and kindness.  All the excuses I had made about not coming now seemed pretty silly.  These days are days that I will never forget.  As we spend these last moments with Chad’s dad I feel a great deal of regret.  Why didn’t we spend this time with him earlier.  Why were we so self-centered and busy?  As the hours pass you can see him slipping away.  His color is fading, his breathing is slow and labored.  He is refusing food and drink.  He occasionally opens his eyes and gives you a smile.  He reaches out his hand for yours.  As you hold it you realize how fragile and precious life is.  We are so fortunate to spend these moments with him.   Please take the time to tell those around you that you love them. Don’t be so busy that you forget what is most important in life.  Family.