Friendship

A Day in the Life of Brayden:  Friendship.

Do every feel like a hamster on a wheel?  No matter how fast you run or how hard to try you feel like you are not making any progress or head way?   That is how I felt today.

Today has been a difficult day for Brayden.  He awoke this morning for the 5th morning in a row at 2 am.  He was sobbing inconsolably.  I don’t know what was so upsetting to him. I tried to comfort him with singing, rubbing his feet and back.  I wish I knew why he was so sad. My heart breaks as I look at his little face.  I wish he could tell me, I wish I knew.  Was it a bad dream?  If so what does his bad dreams look like?  Is he in pain?  Did he lose a favorite toy?  Some days he laughs this contagious laugh.  His whole face lights up with happiness.  This giggle is for no apparent reason.  Some books say he is having a good memory.  I wonder what that would look like for him.  Is is swimming or swinging, playing in the sand or getting a great big hug from family?  Then there are some days, like today, I took the Brayden to the dentist and to the grocery store. My two least favorite activities.  I feel as though I have been brow beaten and man handled I just want to cry.  Maybe it is the exhaustion, maybe it is the helpless of not knowing what is so overwhelming to Brayden that you cry, panic, and frantically try to get away even before the door to the dentist is opened. Maybe it is the embarrassment as I run into the grocery store and put Brayden in the Caroline’s cart.  Little “Z” was pushing the customer in training cart.  I thought that we would go quickly.  As we round the first corner Zachary takes it a little too tight and dumps his cart over.  His “chippies” go flying. As I am helping helping him pick his cart up Brayden frees himself from the Caroline’s cart straps and runs at mock speed and throws a jar of pickles on the ground.  As I am screaming, “Brayden stop.”  I see the sheer delight as he jump up and down barefoot,  flapping his arms and squealing in amazement.   It may be the shimmer of the glass on the ground, the sound the jar made as it crashed to the floor, or the mortified look of panic on my face as I raced toward him to scoop him up before he cuts himself.

When I take Brayden to places like the dentist or grocery store I always feel I a gamit of emotions run through my head. I can feel the stares from other parents/customers/workers as we walk in the door.  The sideward glances, the fear that he might come near their child, I hope he doesn’t hurt my kiddo.  The whispers of “why don’t they make that kid be quiet.” As Brayden runs from one end of the dental waiting room to the other.  He spins the prize stands, he throws the truck that he has tucked under his arm.  He run, jumps, flaps, he laughs and hums.  There are two dental assistance that come to the waiting room to get Brayden.   I can tell by their faces they are a little overwhelmed.  Little do they know no matter how nice they talk with him he can read people.  It is a gift.  He can sense anxiety, fear, and can identify good people. The dental assists allow me to carry him back I can almost read the thoughts going through their minds.  “What are we going to do with him?  How are we going to get him to lay down on the table, this is never going to work.   I don’t expect them to know.  All children with autism are different. 

As a parent I often joke that autism is a journey without a road map.  I feel as though I am wandering aimlessly making stops here and there hoping that I am choosing the right path.  Sometimes I make wrong choices, like he time I chose play therapy for him.  What was I thinking?  He doesn’t have any play skills, yet.  Sometimes we make a great choice.  Like the earphones just this week he has adapted to and absolutely loves. Since I have started to share about Brayden I have had numerous people say to me, “I don’t want to offend you.”  Please ask you are not offending me.    I live, eat, and breath autism.  There is never a moment of my day I am not thinking about how I can help Brayden.  Is he safe?  Is he happy?  I would love to answer any questions.  I will happily teach and talk to you about Brayden.  You can learn about how autism affects him.  Parents are the best resource about their child.  With that said, like all children each child with autism is different.  It isn’t a one size fits all.  As they say if you have met one child with autism you have met one child with autism.

Today when I got home from our adventure I had a note from an old friend.  The note started out as most letters do.  Stating how time has gotten away from us and how we wish we would have stayed in touch….  As I read my heart was so deeply touched.  The letter went on to say, I wish I could help, I wish I could fix things, but I can’t but what I can do is pray.  I know prayers help so much and that is something that I can do.  I will pray often for all of you. God is always with you.  I really believe that when God laughs when you laugh and cries when you cry.  One of my prayers will be that you sense his presence throughout the day and that Brayden too will receive his comfort when he is afraid.  By this point the tears are streaming down my face.  I really needed to hear these kind loving words.

It is funny how the kind words from a friend can be so encouraging, uplifting, and change the whole dynamics of a day.  Thank you friends for your support and friendship.  It really means the world to me.  Don’t be afraid to reach out and talk to people, everyone has their elephant in the room.  The topic that no one wants to talk about that hangs in the air.  People are afraid of to ask because they don’t want to offend.  Let me let you in on a little secret.  Whether it is cancer, infertility, depression, or autism everyone has their thing.  Don’t be afraid to reach out and lend a listening ear.  Everyone needs a friend and a shoulder to cry on.  Sometimes taking moment to pause, listen, and care, can make your life feel more meaningful, and that you are making a difference instead of spinning your wheels and going nowhere.